shopping day one

shopping day one. soooooooooooo tired. i am on laurens laptop just to update this blog. that is because I LOVE YALL!!!!! i got a pair of amazing black boots, a pair of olive green cargo pants, and two little cardigan sweater jacket type things; one is blue and one is tan.

we are headed to wal-mart tommorrow for some plain colored long-sleeved tees for those sweaters, and then some other stuff.

we are having sooooooooooo much fun, especially with rory and the doggies and lauren. missin the mom, but i am dealing. dad will probably get called to work, even though he marked off from work.

gotta eat dinner. PEACE!

how many spend the nights shall i have?!?!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE OFF TO SEE THE LAUREN, THE WONDERFUL LAUREN OF OZ! if u know Lauren and her obsession of The Wizard Of Oz then you would be laughing right now.

sissy and i are going up to Helena for 3 nights and 4 days of cousi awesomness. when we went up for Rory-bee's 2nd b-day party, we realized that we hadn't been up to Helena since February of 08, when Lauren took us to Sips'n'Strokes for our birthday. well, today, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday sissy and i are gonna be with our cousing, catching up and shopping and all that jazz.

i also think that going down for a while, even for those few days, will do me alot of good, and i might find a way to cope with this "teen angst" (yeah right) thing.

i can't WAIT to play kitchen!!!!

getting help........ hopefully

i have a problem. i don't know what it is, but it is a problem. actually i have two problems. my other problem is about people writing off my first problem as being a teenager.

ok, that was confusing. my problem is that i am having drastic mood swings, depression, anxiety, eratic sleep behavior, so on and so forth. my second problem was stated above; that people are writing it off as hormones or being a teen. well, im tired.

im tired of people doing that! saying, "it's part of being a teen. you'll grow out of it. it's just hormones." IT'S NOT! i have never in my LIFE felt this way. i have never just wanted to leave my home, and my family, and never look back. i have never wanted to physically injure my sister or my parents to the extent of crippling them. i have never been a jerk for no reason, or yelled at my best friend for no reason. it scares me, and i want help. but i don't think i can get it at home.

after the new year we are calling dr. marques and getting the number of a psychologist. mom thinks that talking to someone i don't know might help, since writing out my feelings only makes them worse.

i want to be able to talk to my friends, but they write it off as being a teen. well, i know many young adults who have never gone through this before.

i don't want to be depressed, but i am. i don't want to have a problem trusting people, but i do. i don't want to want to break my sisters arm, or slap my mom, and kick my dad in the gut, but i do.

and yeah, lots of teens feel this way. but it is normal for them, and it is NOT normal for me.

i just wish that people would realize that and stop saying it is my age.

lost

so i just lost my purity ring. great.

spend the night.... AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am at Hollie's house for a spend the night! i am usung her laptop, so if i ty[e funny then ignore it. just an update. LOVE YALL!!!!!!!

leaving

he got home at midnight. he opened his present, hugged and kissed everyone, and we all went to bed. he is goin to Montgomery today, for work.


i dislike CSX with the burning intensity of 1 million suns and every fire in the frikin world.

home

dad will be home about 12:00 pm.

Christmas Cheer

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! guess who got 152 $$ richer, and has aquired a new iPod shuffle? MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! lots of chocolate, lots of sweets. also lots of tears.

Merry Christmas daddy.

he got called.

won't be home till 8:00pm tommorrow at the earliest.

i cried. the end.

Christmas Eve

so its christmas eve. dad is home. i should be happy right? well, he is first out to be called, which means he will probably have to go to work in about...... oh, twenty or thrity miutes. and not a yard job, which only lasts twelve hours. he will probably go to Montgomery, or Nashville. he was eligable to get called at 3:20 this morning, and im surprised we wasn't called then. but he will be called soon.

i don't care. he misses a lot of things.

SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH *takes a deep breath* HHHHHH!!!!!!!!

we get to spend the night with our cousins who aren't really cousins! they are great friends of the fam, and we are spending much needed and long overdue time with them!!!!

I LOVE YOU PETIE AND BOBBY AND BRITT AND CODY!!!!!

kisses and dreams

the night i got my first kiss i couldn't help but feel the light pressure of his lips on mine for those brief seconds. that kiss lived in my dreams for weeks.

the night i got my firt long kiss, all i could feel for a while was our lips moving against each other gently. that kiss lived in my dreams for weeks. now it plagues my dreams with feelings of used-to-be's and never-again's.

and recently, i can't get that kiss out of my head.

words of advice?

i have a friend who is..... well...... self harming herself. not cutting! she says that she just scratches her arm enough to where it will bleed. she has been soing in for a few years now, and i want to help her. her excuse for not getting help already is that it isn't as bad as cutting. she says you can't accidentaly commit suicide with scratching like you can with cutting.

i want to help her, but what do i say? how do i help? what do i tell her to make her realize that she is hurting herself like this?

any advice?

Books-A-Million tears

i went to BAM (books a million) for the first time since November 28. aka, the break up. my dad and i happened to sit at a table right next to THE table, the one me and HIM sat at. i literally started crying, and thank gosh i had a book open. if my dad noticed, he probably thought it was from the book.

i saw that table and all i could do was think about sitting there with him, and i heard him say "i think we should break up" over and over and over again. it was like a one line monologue going through my head. it physically hurt me, it made my tummy hurt. now i am sick.

i know alot of you are probably saying he wasn't worth it or get over him, or you are too young to have feelings like this and this is jsut teen drama. you are probably right. but he was my first serious boyfriend and the longest relationship i had ever been in, which is honestly kind of sad. i have always been afraid to trust people, cuz i don't want to get hurt, but i trusted him. and he hurt me. i don't think i can trust anyone outside my family the way i trusted him anymore. (more teen drama, i am so melodramatic, but i'm 15. give me a break.)

i don't plan on marriage. im gonna adopt.

meltdown @ the Weeks'

so this morning the internet was shut off. mom spent more than an hour on and off the phone trying to sort it out. it was because of some unknown bill from at&t or something like that. mom has been in a sour mood the rest of the day, and i have been really anti-social. i get like that when i am worried. so mom had a small meltdown, and i guess i did too, in a sort of way.

i can't help but be worried. i mean, what is next? the car? the house? the electricity? the water? it sucks to have to constantly worry about bills at home AND my grades at school. we ended exam week @ school yesterday. but all during exams, and through out regular school, my mind always finds its way to the house, bills, worrying about dad, worrying about mama sue, worrying about mom, worrying about not finding a job, and how much money my parents spend on me. they want to get me a laptop for Christmas! i mean, i want one, but that is just too much right now.

that is why i want a job. ANY job will do! i don't like feeling like a burden to my parents. i want a truck when i turn 16. that isn't going to happen, but my dad is still looking! if my parents get me a laptop, i might slap them in the face! i mean, i will be totally grateful, but how much will it cost? how much will it put them out? i feel bad asking for new clothes now, even though i need them. i hate feeling like a burden. i hate feeling helpless. i hate havign to go around worrying about adult stuff.

what do i do?

very very sad face

yesterday we (my sissy, mom and me) went to the rory bee's birthday party. it was super fun! before the party mr. tim, sissy and i took rory to Gymboree, which wore her out! we got back to laurens house and baisically waited an hour for two o'clock to come. lauren looked at me and sissy and asked which of us wanted to have our hair straight, and i totally didn't pass up that offer. i love it when my hair is straight.

so we were sitting in laurens big bathroom, and sitting in that chair while lauren did my hair brought back soooooooo many memories of when i was little. doing pig tails, frinch braids, regular braids....... it made me miss spending the night with lauren. then i realized that the last time sissy and i spent the night was february of 08, 4 months before uncle jerry died. it has been almost three years since we spent the night with lauren! so sissy and i dropped hints about the idea during the party. when mom told us it was time to go, i just lost hope.

sarah and i cried all the way home. literally. i am pretty sure mom could tell, but maybe she thought all the stuffy noses were because of the weather. who knows. all i know is that i miss my cousin, we both do, and it makes me sad to think that it has been that long since we have had a Lauren, Sarah, Tori day. :(

HAPPY BRITHDAY TO YOU!!!!!

happy brithday rory bear!

today is rory's 2nd birthday party! just thought you'd like to know that.

mom and sissy and i are going down to b-ham for the party, and when we get there sissy and mr. tim and i are gonna take rory to Gymboree and wear her out! i am going to do a lot of studying while i am donw there. a LOT of studying. exams are next week, and Mrs. Green (u. s. history teacher) said that we could use our study guides on the test! BOO-YAH!!!!

20$ song

i have bet my father that i can learn the song LIFE IS A ROCK BUT THE RADIO ROLLED ME in a week. he has to give me 20 bucks if i can. if i can't i learn and perform 5 songs of his choosing with no complaints. i should have bet thirty. here is a link to the song so you can see why i should have said thrity bucks-----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-9fk12ZWiU

pray for me!

I'll be Home for Christmas......

remember that song too? well, it's not a lie. EVERYONE is at christmas for our family. except......... one. i don't mind though. he has to work, or else we wouldn't be here. we would be on the streets. that can't happen. so of course he has to work through christmas and thanksgiving and new years and stuff. although this year he made it to thanksgiving, i know that he won't make christmas. i say again, i don't mind. i think he was there last year, so he deserves a couple of skip years. i'm used to it. i seriously don't mind.

then why am i crying?