shopping day one

shopping day one. soooooooooooo tired. i am on laurens laptop just to update this blog. that is because I LOVE YALL!!!!! i got a pair of amazing black boots, a pair of olive green cargo pants, and two little cardigan sweater jacket type things; one is blue and one is tan.

we are headed to wal-mart tommorrow for some plain colored long-sleeved tees for those sweaters, and then some other stuff.

we are having sooooooooooo much fun, especially with rory and the doggies and lauren. missin the mom, but i am dealing. dad will probably get called to work, even though he marked off from work.

gotta eat dinner. PEACE!

how many spend the nights shall i have?!?!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE OFF TO SEE THE LAUREN, THE WONDERFUL LAUREN OF OZ! if u know Lauren and her obsession of The Wizard Of Oz then you would be laughing right now.

sissy and i are going up to Helena for 3 nights and 4 days of cousi awesomness. when we went up for Rory-bee's 2nd b-day party, we realized that we hadn't been up to Helena since February of 08, when Lauren took us to Sips'n'Strokes for our birthday. well, today, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday sissy and i are gonna be with our cousing, catching up and shopping and all that jazz.

i also think that going down for a while, even for those few days, will do me alot of good, and i might find a way to cope with this "teen angst" (yeah right) thing.

i can't WAIT to play kitchen!!!!

getting help........ hopefully

i have a problem. i don't know what it is, but it is a problem. actually i have two problems. my other problem is about people writing off my first problem as being a teenager.

ok, that was confusing. my problem is that i am having drastic mood swings, depression, anxiety, eratic sleep behavior, so on and so forth. my second problem was stated above; that people are writing it off as hormones or being a teen. well, im tired.

im tired of people doing that! saying, "it's part of being a teen. you'll grow out of it. it's just hormones." IT'S NOT! i have never in my LIFE felt this way. i have never just wanted to leave my home, and my family, and never look back. i have never wanted to physically injure my sister or my parents to the extent of crippling them. i have never been a jerk for no reason, or yelled at my best friend for no reason. it scares me, and i want help. but i don't think i can get it at home.

after the new year we are calling dr. marques and getting the number of a psychologist. mom thinks that talking to someone i don't know might help, since writing out my feelings only makes them worse.

i want to be able to talk to my friends, but they write it off as being a teen. well, i know many young adults who have never gone through this before.

i don't want to be depressed, but i am. i don't want to have a problem trusting people, but i do. i don't want to want to break my sisters arm, or slap my mom, and kick my dad in the gut, but i do.

and yeah, lots of teens feel this way. but it is normal for them, and it is NOT normal for me.

i just wish that people would realize that and stop saying it is my age.

lost

so i just lost my purity ring. great.

spend the night.... AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am at Hollie's house for a spend the night! i am usung her laptop, so if i ty[e funny then ignore it. just an update. LOVE YALL!!!!!!!

leaving

he got home at midnight. he opened his present, hugged and kissed everyone, and we all went to bed. he is goin to Montgomery today, for work.


i dislike CSX with the burning intensity of 1 million suns and every fire in the frikin world.

home

dad will be home about 12:00 pm.

Christmas Cheer

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! guess who got 152 $$ richer, and has aquired a new iPod shuffle? MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! lots of chocolate, lots of sweets. also lots of tears.

Merry Christmas daddy.

he got called.

won't be home till 8:00pm tommorrow at the earliest.

i cried. the end.

Christmas Eve

so its christmas eve. dad is home. i should be happy right? well, he is first out to be called, which means he will probably have to go to work in about...... oh, twenty or thrity miutes. and not a yard job, which only lasts twelve hours. he will probably go to Montgomery, or Nashville. he was eligable to get called at 3:20 this morning, and im surprised we wasn't called then. but he will be called soon.

i don't care. he misses a lot of things.

SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH *takes a deep breath* HHHHHH!!!!!!!!

we get to spend the night with our cousins who aren't really cousins! they are great friends of the fam, and we are spending much needed and long overdue time with them!!!!

I LOVE YOU PETIE AND BOBBY AND BRITT AND CODY!!!!!

kisses and dreams

the night i got my first kiss i couldn't help but feel the light pressure of his lips on mine for those brief seconds. that kiss lived in my dreams for weeks.

the night i got my firt long kiss, all i could feel for a while was our lips moving against each other gently. that kiss lived in my dreams for weeks. now it plagues my dreams with feelings of used-to-be's and never-again's.

and recently, i can't get that kiss out of my head.

words of advice?

i have a friend who is..... well...... self harming herself. not cutting! she says that she just scratches her arm enough to where it will bleed. she has been soing in for a few years now, and i want to help her. her excuse for not getting help already is that it isn't as bad as cutting. she says you can't accidentaly commit suicide with scratching like you can with cutting.

i want to help her, but what do i say? how do i help? what do i tell her to make her realize that she is hurting herself like this?

any advice?

Books-A-Million tears

i went to BAM (books a million) for the first time since November 28. aka, the break up. my dad and i happened to sit at a table right next to THE table, the one me and HIM sat at. i literally started crying, and thank gosh i had a book open. if my dad noticed, he probably thought it was from the book.

i saw that table and all i could do was think about sitting there with him, and i heard him say "i think we should break up" over and over and over again. it was like a one line monologue going through my head. it physically hurt me, it made my tummy hurt. now i am sick.

i know alot of you are probably saying he wasn't worth it or get over him, or you are too young to have feelings like this and this is jsut teen drama. you are probably right. but he was my first serious boyfriend and the longest relationship i had ever been in, which is honestly kind of sad. i have always been afraid to trust people, cuz i don't want to get hurt, but i trusted him. and he hurt me. i don't think i can trust anyone outside my family the way i trusted him anymore. (more teen drama, i am so melodramatic, but i'm 15. give me a break.)

i don't plan on marriage. im gonna adopt.

meltdown @ the Weeks'

so this morning the internet was shut off. mom spent more than an hour on and off the phone trying to sort it out. it was because of some unknown bill from at&t or something like that. mom has been in a sour mood the rest of the day, and i have been really anti-social. i get like that when i am worried. so mom had a small meltdown, and i guess i did too, in a sort of way.

i can't help but be worried. i mean, what is next? the car? the house? the electricity? the water? it sucks to have to constantly worry about bills at home AND my grades at school. we ended exam week @ school yesterday. but all during exams, and through out regular school, my mind always finds its way to the house, bills, worrying about dad, worrying about mama sue, worrying about mom, worrying about not finding a job, and how much money my parents spend on me. they want to get me a laptop for Christmas! i mean, i want one, but that is just too much right now.

that is why i want a job. ANY job will do! i don't like feeling like a burden to my parents. i want a truck when i turn 16. that isn't going to happen, but my dad is still looking! if my parents get me a laptop, i might slap them in the face! i mean, i will be totally grateful, but how much will it cost? how much will it put them out? i feel bad asking for new clothes now, even though i need them. i hate feeling like a burden. i hate feeling helpless. i hate havign to go around worrying about adult stuff.

what do i do?

very very sad face

yesterday we (my sissy, mom and me) went to the rory bee's birthday party. it was super fun! before the party mr. tim, sissy and i took rory to Gymboree, which wore her out! we got back to laurens house and baisically waited an hour for two o'clock to come. lauren looked at me and sissy and asked which of us wanted to have our hair straight, and i totally didn't pass up that offer. i love it when my hair is straight.

so we were sitting in laurens big bathroom, and sitting in that chair while lauren did my hair brought back soooooooo many memories of when i was little. doing pig tails, frinch braids, regular braids....... it made me miss spending the night with lauren. then i realized that the last time sissy and i spent the night was february of 08, 4 months before uncle jerry died. it has been almost three years since we spent the night with lauren! so sissy and i dropped hints about the idea during the party. when mom told us it was time to go, i just lost hope.

sarah and i cried all the way home. literally. i am pretty sure mom could tell, but maybe she thought all the stuffy noses were because of the weather. who knows. all i know is that i miss my cousin, we both do, and it makes me sad to think that it has been that long since we have had a Lauren, Sarah, Tori day. :(

HAPPY BRITHDAY TO YOU!!!!!

happy brithday rory bear!

today is rory's 2nd birthday party! just thought you'd like to know that.

mom and sissy and i are going down to b-ham for the party, and when we get there sissy and mr. tim and i are gonna take rory to Gymboree and wear her out! i am going to do a lot of studying while i am donw there. a LOT of studying. exams are next week, and Mrs. Green (u. s. history teacher) said that we could use our study guides on the test! BOO-YAH!!!!

20$ song

i have bet my father that i can learn the song LIFE IS A ROCK BUT THE RADIO ROLLED ME in a week. he has to give me 20 bucks if i can. if i can't i learn and perform 5 songs of his choosing with no complaints. i should have bet thirty. here is a link to the song so you can see why i should have said thrity bucks-----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-9fk12ZWiU

pray for me!

I'll be Home for Christmas......

remember that song too? well, it's not a lie. EVERYONE is at christmas for our family. except......... one. i don't mind though. he has to work, or else we wouldn't be here. we would be on the streets. that can't happen. so of course he has to work through christmas and thanksgiving and new years and stuff. although this year he made it to thanksgiving, i know that he won't make christmas. i say again, i don't mind. i think he was there last year, so he deserves a couple of skip years. i'm used to it. i seriously don't mind.

then why am i crying?

depression

my boyfriend just took me to Books-A-Million, which is one of my favorite places in the whole wide world, and broke up with me. he gave me no reason why and asked if we could still be friends. i said "of course we can still be friends and if you want to tell me why then you can and if you don't then that is your reason." then we got up from the table we were at and went through the store, completley ignoring ewach other.
i told me mom, and she sent my dad to come pick me up right away. i got a calender, a pack of gum, and a cool beans bookmark and then waited outside for my dad. sent quinn a quick text telling him that my dad had came and gotten me and erased his reply as soon as i read it. at least i don't have a facebook or myspace so i don't have to change my status. except on here and deviantArt.
i still haven't cried.

post-college plans!

i know exactly what i am gonna do after college. i have it all planned!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

i am going to spend a year in Europe, starting in London. 2 months there, and then to Italy. ROME! 5 months in Italy, and then to Germany for 6 weeks. next up is France. PARIS! just a month there, and lets hope the french class i am taking in school sticks! then i am going to india for 2 months. then it is 2 weeks heading home, and that is the end of my year! *please let me know if my math is off*

then i am going to NYC. i am gonna live there for 4 years. after that i am going to move to a small village in Ireland, location unknown as of yet, and just stay there. i will have a collie dog and three cats.

by my third year of college i plan to have already have four books published, so i will be incredibly rich. that means that i will have the money to fly down to decatur when i live in NYC for holidays, or have family fly up. same with when i live in Ireland. i plan on moving mom to Ireland when dad retires.

ta-da!!! whatcha think?

In Honor

in honor of Thanksgiving, i am now going to mak a list of things i am thankfull for!

• My family, most definatley.
• The situation at home. Even though it sometimes doesn't seem like it, I have friends who are in worse situations than I am in.
• My sister, most definatley.
• My best friend Meghan. WIthout her, I wouldn't have event he little bit of self esteem that I have today.
• All my friends, who are almost always there gor me.
• Quinn. Without him, I might have never known what it is like to have deep feelings for a guy.
• Everyone around me.
• Dark Chocolate
• Gum
• The imagination God gave me. Without it, I might not be the girl I am today.

ta-da!

No Place Like Home for the Holidays....... maybe

does anyone remember that song? well, it is kinda a lie. right now there are many places i would rather be than home. not because i don't love my family or anything, cuz i do! it is just that our house is sooooo fun during thanksgiving and christmas! (please note the sarcasm) mom is always stressed, and boo boo is always at our house, even when it isn't the holidays! mom can get pretty mean when she is stresses, and when sarah and i try to help, she always yells at us. and i hold my tongue when boo boo gets on to us for not helping around the house when he has lived there for a year and hasn't helped do the dishes once! please, don't think that i am mad or angry at the fam. i understand the pressure. i just needed a rant, and my boyfriend is in a place with no cell reception.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!! (even if it is late)

HAPPY (day after) HALLOWEEN!!!!! sorry im late but i was real tired after passing out candy and didn't bother to get on the computer. i have something to say.............

I WON POETRY OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am the original poetry winner and my friend iliana lomeli won the recitation. we go to UAH on november 19 and if we win that we go to montgomery and if we win THAT then we go to the big competition in washington dc! wish us luck!

ok, i'm bored now. gotta go get ready for school and text the bf.

see ya!

IMMA FINALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol our school is doing poetry out loud-which is actually pretty retarded cuz you have to memerize long poems- but there was also the poetry out loud ORIGINAL POETRY CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so, of course, i entered one of my poems, i an free. (to see it, click this link---> http://phatgirl97.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2yo2yb itz my deviant art. tell me if it doesn't work)

so i got chosen to recite my poem! i recite it this tuesday (26th) at the library at austin high school and the whole thing starts @ 6pm (that info was for you petie and brit!) i am incredibly excited, but my poem is 31 LINES!!!!!!!!!! the longest poem i have ever had to remember was 16 lines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pray for me!!!!!!!!!!!

ta for now ;)

I AM CURED!!!!! kinda.....

i can now walk of my foot without crutches!!! which is good, cuz my arms hurt from yesterday!!!! i had to use them @ school, and it sucked!!!!! grrrr...... anyway, I AM CURED!!!!! kinda...... lolz. i am thinking about doing a nother book for phatgirlreadingcircle...... we are gonna do the scarlett letter in english, so maybe yall could do what i do? *thinky face* will think on later! now obssesed with the song thinking of you by katy perry, which is one of the two songs that i actually like from her (the other being hot 'n' cold). i am also (still) reading the order of the phoenix book from the hp series. it is taking me longer that i thought that it would. hmmmm....... *another thinky face*...... i'm back! lolz.

ta for now,
you know who i am!

what an idiot i am!!!

ok, here is a sample of my complete idiocy:

i stepped off a curb 2 school and turned my foot. thatz not the idiocy part... when did i decide to go to the ER? as i was sitting at the top of the bleachers at Ogle Stadium at 8 o'clock at night! i am now officially an idiot!!!

no school today, which is the third day i have missed since school has been in. that is kinda bad cuz i have so much make up work now. i need a hug. grrr..... i also need BAM (Books-A-Million) and a steaming cup of joe muggs hot chocolate. nothing better than hot coacoa and a good book.... and a sprained foot. :(

birthday wishes

hey ma peeps! waz up? watcha doin? today i want to give a birthday wish to my best friend KATHERINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <---- way to many exclamation points!!! lolz, i lov her dearly, and she lives in north dakota. today she is turning 16, and im gonna call her later. must run, but i luv ya!

about school..... the boring facts of my life

hey ma peeps!!! waz up? we have officially finished all the first days of school! so now we actually have to learn something. :,[ ok jk! well, i discovered that PE is gonna be..... interesting. my best friend is in my class, so that is a plus. i went to french 2 ofter PE and my french teacher is CRAZY!!!!! i'm gonna have a fun year with ms. west. i have first lunch on both my a day and b day so i go from french to lunch!!! AWESOME!!! after lunch then i have honors sophmore english. my sister's boyfriend is in that class, and so is my friend alex. oh, and DeSTINY who is the most awesome friend EVER!!! im running out of songs to listen too!!! after english, i have us history with destiny. i think that i am gonna enjoy a-day more than b-day. sissy's bf hunter sayz that he is gonna have two seperate backpacks for a and b day, and mom thought it was an amazing idea. i like it too. i have to go, mostly cuz I GOTSTA PEE!!!!!!!!!!!! love yas!!

day 2!!!

FINALLY!!! one first day over, now onto the second first day! we are doing a modified block schedule this year so i only have four periods a day. GRRRRR Algebra 1B for two hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh..... *runs away screaming*. i joke! its not so bad, and i kinda like this block schedule! *I've got a tight grip on reality but i can't/let go of whats in front of me here!* the only exception by paramore, which is what i am listening to now. except my first class today is PE. i have PE first period! anyone who has gone through or is going through high school and has had PE first period, PRAY FOR ME!!! *No! you'll never be alone!* whispers in the dark by skillet. must run, so blog ya later!

profile news

just so you know, in my profile it has my astrological sign wrong. im a piscese.

back to school... NOOOOOO

hey my peoples!!! today is the first day of school, and i am now a sophmore!! im not as nervous or excited as i thought i would be. well, maybe it's brcause i spent most of my summer up at austin for band stuff...... *thinky face*. anyway, i think i have a new wake up routine. when i woke up this morning, i went downstairs and got on the computer. i opened a new tab before i did anything else to pu up youtube. then i put on brick by boring brick and ignorance by paramore while i checked my deviantArt. then i got onto my blog and i am typing this while i am listening to hero by skillet. i just finished whispers in the dark. the loud music really wakes me up, and i like it!!! lolz, i have to go eat the most important meal of the day, which is usually the most boring!!!!
love yall! stay weird! C:

it haz been 4 EVA!!!

waz up my peeps?! i have been so uber busy this summer that i haven't had a chance to blog at all! i have discovered that i love paramore AND skillet!!! anf that writing a musical is incredibly hard!!!!!!!! i know this a relayy small post, but i have to leave!! LOVE YOU!

on my soapbox

hey peoples! today's topic is-drumroll please!- (drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..................) teen smoking and drinking! i know that this is a delicate topic, but people need to know about this serious issue. i mean, i go to frikin' school with these people! i know who does what (or as the case may be who does who) and i know how it affects them and i just think that people need to know! ok the first thing will be..... teen drinking. kids will say to me that they got drunk over the weekend, and that they did this and that while being drunk. well, if any parents follow my blog, then guess what i got to say: DON'T LET THEM NEAR BEER!!! (or wine) they will do things that would make you SCREAM! and then there is the other topic:teen smoking. when i say smoking, i don't just mean cigs, i mean weed, coke and all the other drugs that are out there! i mean, parents, you need to WATCH YOUR KIDS!!! if you see a roachclip, or a bong, then CONFISCATE IT AND TALK TO THEM!!!!! THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO!!!!!! they will say that when they are drunk or high it is the only time they feel good, but you know better! i am just trying to raise awarness on this issue, so please listen.

havn't posted in forever!

hey my peoples! ok, ballett flats not aquired. :( but i have some patent leather black heals for the ball, and i have a silver fake crocodile pattern clutch. and, i also got the CUTEST pewter wedges, and i am gonna wera a skirt tuesday with them to school! i ahve been so busy, so thats why i havn't posted in a while. but i promised my self one blog a day, and i havn't posted on any of them in a while! tomorrow i will do my reading circle, so that will be my daily blog. i must run, but i love yaz!! bye!!!

military ball!!!

hey peoplez! watz up with all of you! im not doing anthing except..... well..... blogging! lol. im crazy! ok, so guess what? i am going to the military ball! i even have a date! (no more bf) i am wearingg a beaded spagettie strap and a floor length black skirt with a slit in the side. i will, hopefully, aquire some ballet flats, but who knows? my date is a senior, and his name is weston stoler. he is super nice, and i am totally excited!!! and my new blog is called phat girl reading circle! we already have a new book, but you will have to check out the blog to see what it is! im sneaky like that!!! love yas! bye!!!

new blog! (how many shall i start?!?!?!)

hey peoplez! i must be brief so....... i am gonna start a new blog! itz gonna be like a reading circle....... so check it out! love yaz! bye!!!